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ARTICLES: Editor's Welcome |
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The significance of man
is not in what he attains, but rather in what he longs to attain. --Kahlil Gibran.
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Do not wait for
extraordinary circumstances to do good; try to use ordinary situations. -- Jean Paul Richter |
Totally off the record... I was
flying to San Francisco this weekend, and the stewardess reading the
flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each
other like "what the heck?". So once we got airborne, I took out
my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out
a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it.
Before Takeoff... Hello and welcome to Alaska flight
438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the
right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have
a really long evening. We'd like to tell you now about some
important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety
feature we have aboard this plane is the Flight Attendants. Please look
at one now.
There are 5 exits aboard this
plane, 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear
end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your
bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a
moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows
of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to
find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking
lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White
ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.
In the event of a loss of cabin
pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it
over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag
won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, I promise.
If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, and then work your way down. In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now. Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pully thing not a pushy thing like you're car cuz you're in an airplane, hello! There is no smoking in the cabin
on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see
smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put
you out. This is a free service we provide. There are
two smoking
sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight, hold on, let me check what it is, Oh here it is, the movie tonight is 'Gone with the Wind'. In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button. We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask. If you weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation wouldn't you? After Landing... Welcome to the San Francisco
International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the
captain's fault. It's not the copilot's fault. It's the
asphalt.
Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try. Please be careful opening the overhead bins because shift happens. |
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Men in no
way approach so nearly to the gods as in doing good to men. -- Cicero |
Man is more
an ape than many of the apes. -- Friedrich Nietzsche -- |